Letting go of regrets

There are a lot of things I regret in my life and in my work. Papers that I promised to help write and never got down to editing or finish analyzing data for, experiments that I should have done that could have expanded my PhD into more areas, projects and papers. Not being a good enough girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend, even), not being a good enough friend, not being a good enough cousin, sister, granddaughter, daughter. Seriously, I have a list so long I can't even see the end of it. And that list plagues me every day. Every other hour, every other minute. 

My regrets always make me feel like I'm not good enough, that I could have done better (if only by a little bit), that I could have spent a little bit more effort and time on this thing or that thing, that I could have been a nicer person, a more enthusiastic and energetic woman, etc. My regrets make me feel like I'm being judged all the time, that people are always whispering, 'look at her, who does she think she is? she doesn't deserve to be here. she can't be trusted with tasks' etc. Most of all, my regrets make me judge myself. That I can never be loved for who I am, that I am never enough and that I'll eventually be exposed for the imposter that I am. Heck, on some (or is it most?) days I feel like I should just quit my job or leave the country and start life anew so that I can escape from all the wrongs that I've done.

I was going through another bad episode today about my work. And then I thought, why? Why all this judgement? Why all this expectation? Who am I trying to be and what am I trying to achieve? What was the truth about the situation? 

You know what the truth is? The truth is, I was doing my best at that moment. It might not be someone else's best or my absolute all-time best. But at that moment, it was my best given the circumstances and my emotional and mental state. It was my best given my level of experience. But I judged myself based on an expectation set by myself or others based on some standard that I couldn't meet at the time. Was I not trying hard enough? Maybe. Was I being lazy? Maybe. Did I feel a lack of motivation because I wasn't excited about it enough? Quite likely. But should those reasons be enough for me to beat myself up for years after the fact, cause me to lose confidence in my abilities and worth, and cause me to waste precious time and energy on guilt and regrets? I don't think so, at least not now, not anymore. Because I know, deep down, and even though I often forget, that I'm in essence a good person. I care and I try and I keep trying. I know that I do what I do to try to make the world a better place. I also know that I'm still looking for my path, and I feel quite lost at times. I know that I have regrets because I care so much, though maybe sometimes for the wrong reasons. 

I'm learning to remember that sometimes, it's just really hard to focus when I'm really down and when I'm feeling so lost I don't remember why I'm here in this world. Sometimes it's just hard to get up in the morning because all I want to do is hide under the covers and make it all go away. But eventually I do get up and show up and put up a strong front and I do my best that day. Sometimes I just get lazy, which makes me human I suppose. Or I decide to take care of myself instead so that I can show up better the next day, because I believe it to be my responsibility. Sometimes I just don't know how or where to try. Or, I just make stupid mistakes. Hindsight can be such a bitch in bringing in the 'if only' or 'why didn't I know this earlier' regrets when one is not careful. 

Will I continue being judged by others and made to feel like I'm not good enough? You bet they will. Even if it's well-intentioned, people will always judge you based on their own standards, expectations and needs. But that's OK. I think I'm finally learning to handle that. It's all a matter of choice, I think. I choose to not judge myself based on your judgement. I choose to think of it as evaluation and room for improvement, as opportunities to evaluate my priorities. I choose to look at things from all sides of the story and remember my own side of the story. I choose to remember that my life is my own, and to work for my own purpose, while remembering that all things considered, I have always been trying my best. Finally, I choose to remember that life can't really be compartmentalized into work and 'life', but is a complicated web that links everything that is happening right now into each other. Life is all about relationships, and the health of each relationship that you choose to have.

Somehow, it's now easier to breathe. And strangely, I feel more energized and focused, ready to carve the life that I want. I guess regrets do have their purpose sometimes. =)

Every moment is a second chance

copyright of Brendon Burchard

Ever felt bad about a mistake you made, or something you could have done better? Sometimes it's easy to dwell on the past, spending way too much time and energy on guilt and regret. You don't have to live this way though. We all slip up once in a while! Instead of beating yourself up for not knowing or doing better, why not take the stance that every moment is a second chance at doing what is right? When we are mindful, every next moment is an opportunity to return to the more loving path (for yourself and others), an opportunity to right a wrong. Life is full of second chances. Don't live in the past. Learn from it, and live in the present. =)

I don't need a prince, I want a king

When I was a little girl, I was a big fan of Disney Princess movies. Like many others, I was enarmored by the idea of a Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet, saving me from pain and hurt, protecting me from the harsh world. 

He would be strong and kind always, intelligent, witty and handsome. He would keep all his promises. He could do no wrong.

Likewise, I, as his princess, would be forever beautiful in his eyes, smart, pretty, and a good wife.

As you can tell, there was no room for error.

I had some growing up to do.

Thank goodness I did.

And thank goodness E showed me how much I've changed.

I don't need a Prince Charming to save me; I want a King to walk beside me.

I don't need someone to save me; I can save myself. 

Even if I alone cannot help myself, I can do so by accepting help from others. 

Unlike a dragon-slaying prince, my king wouldn't want to protect me from everything. Even if he did, he would do so in an empowering way, assisting me as I carve out my own path in my own way. He believes in my strength and my ability to figure things out eventually. He believes in me. 

Someone once said that, a good relationship is not one where two people gaze into each others' eyes, but one where they stand hand in hand facing the world together. 

As much as he is my warrior in arms, my king is not perfect either.

He will have his weak moments. He may crumble and fall sometimes. But that's what I am here for, as he is for me. We help each other stand back up. While he may face the need to appear infallible out in the world, he does not need to always be strong before me. We can show our weaknesses to each other, taking comfort in the knowledge that, despite the potential discomfort with realizing our unglamorous sides, we can and will be accepted and loved by the other. Even though deciding to be vulnerable can be difficult at times, we take faith, and will have that faith often renewed (if not always), in the space that is held by the other. The kind of space that is nurtured by love, patience and understanding. An understanding that none of us is perfect, and that we are both trying our best to be the best we can be. This space assures us that, even though one of us may run and hide because we feel afraid, the other person will be on the other side with arms wide open, waiting for him/her to open up again and work through our fears and insecurities together. 

"When you are king, dilly dilly, I shall be queen" (Lavender's Blue)

My king helps the queen inside me to shine. 

While we may all still have elements of a child within us -- throwing tantrums when upset at not having things go our way, or even acting in hurtful ways when hurt or afraid -- through communication I am learning to turn back from the ledge of allowing my emotions to take over in ways that may result in damaging behavior, learning to come to terms with and manage the same emotions. Through encountering his inner child I have discovered the extent of loving kindness I am capable of giving, more than I imagined I could. Through patience I remember that life is not a battle that I am fighting alone. Through acceptance I remember that life is not made of promises, past or future, but of present moments that we create and treasure. Through understanding I am able to tap into the immense well of love that I have within for him, for family, for friends and for myself. 

Through his love and in loving myself I am growing and learning. He does not require me to be anything else other than myself. I am perfectly imperfect in his eyes, and that is enough for him to love me. There is no need to prove myself to be anything, no need to achieve or do anything to be reason to be loved. I am reason enough to be loved. Through this love I am given the space to explore and create the me that I myself truly want to be. 

Through him, through us and through myself, he supports me in becoming the woman I can be. 

"When I am queen, dilly dilly, you shall be king"

And likewise, I do the same for him too. 


Love you, E. =)

Letting go of control

I have control freak tendencies. The extent of this controlling nature did not simply extend to just trying to control what other people did, thought of or responded to me. I even tried to control the control-freak part of me, clamping her down so that she wouldn't emerge to hurt my relationships any further. Sometimes I even denied her existence, hiding behind a veil of 'I'm only worried/concerned/acting out of love for you', or whatever excuse I could come up with at that time, to make myself feel better. (and yes, it makes me nervous to even type this out right now) Of course, that never really works out, because, my slips in mindful awareness are the times she would sneak out to wreak havoc on my mental and emotional state, not to mention my behavior toward the very people I love. 

Just not too long ago, I faced multiple incidents with my parents, as well as the man I am in a relationship with, where this side of me resulted in emotionally draining situations, unable to enjoy in the other party's company as the moment desired. Sometimes, I rebelled against well-intentioned advice, insisting on my own point of view and refusing to accept or even acknowledge their perspective. Other times, I decided for myself what was 'good for them', and attempted to influence events to fit my idea of an ideal outcome. Otherwise, I disallowed myself from asking for what I truly wanted out of fear of rejection or disapproval. Regardless of the situation, the ultimate outcome always ended up being either a dearth of connection between me and the other party, disappointment, or conflict. The desire to control never ends well, and most definitely a far fetch from the 'perfect ending'.

This was something I struggled with for a long time. What could be wrong when I had a (relatively) good idea of what I want, think, and need, and what others want, think and need? Why is it so hard to find a compromise so that everyone can be happy? And I struggled in vain, until two recent incidents  over the past weekend helped to provide some resolution on the matter. 

The first moment of epiphany happened during a church service where an interview about leadership with Dr. Henry Cloud (clinical psychologist, leadership expert and author) was screened. One particular sentence struck a chord within me -- 'A good leader allows, and trusts people to do what they are good at.', preparing me for what was to come later. 

That same day, I hesitated on something that E had the intention of following through with because I 'did not think it was a good idea as I am worried for him and think it might be a drain on his energy and time' (ie. I decided for myself what was good for him). He asked simply, 'Why don't you let me decide what I want?'. 

And that's when I fully realized, that trying to control or impose my own ideas on someone else's actions is not only selfish, but also futile. The only person who can, and should, have say over his/her life is the person him/herself. Because everyone is best at one thing -- living their life. No one can do it for them. As a friend, lover or family member, no matter how well we know, or think we know, the person, no one knows him/her as well as he/she does. Therefore, no one will know what is truly best for him/her, simply because only he/she is there 24/7 to experience all that they see, feel or do, to fully know their story. Everything else that we project onto them, well-meaning intentions or otherwise, are simply projections from our own lives onto theirs, and how can we really compare our experiences to theirs? How can we assume that the things that we worry about are of similar importance/value to them? Even if we would like to minimize the pain our loved ones may experience, is that the best way of showing them love? What if that very pain is required for them to progress to a better life? How would they learn otherwise, and can we (and should we) take this away from them? Is sheltering them and trying to control everything, are we protecting them or harming them? 

Letting go of control is an extremely difficult thing to do for anyone, especially control freaks like me. But in a mere few days, I have learnt that, whatever perfect scenario we imagine is simply something that happens in our head, something unreal that distracts us from what is real, what is truly happening, and distracts us from holding that freedom and space for those we love and even ourselves from developing into even more wonderful individuals than we already are. Without that space, open communication and true understanding cannot occur, the very things that resolves differences, even fear itself. Sometimes, the very act of letting go and trusting in the ones we love, trusting in our own judgment over how and who we love, or simply trusting in that life will turn out just fine the way it will be, allows for better things to emerge than we imagined it to be. 

In the end, trust wins over fear. Love always wins. So, quit it. =p

xoxoxo

The most beautiful people...

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

This past year, I witnessed several of my close friends go through difficult times in life and love. I watched them as they were brought to their knees, helpless in the face of challenge, and then I watched them as they brushed themselves off to rise in the face of that same challenge. Together, we cried, swore, and threw up our hands in exasperation when it all seemed too difficult to bear. Together, we laughed and sighed as we said, 'We'll keep trying again and again until we get there'. I saw how they grew over time into stronger, yet unhardened, women with a deeper appreciation for love, life and everything and everyone around them. I saw them becoming more and more beautiful over time, not just on the outside, but more importantly, on the inside. It never ceases to amaze me how time can change everything, even the most stubborn parts of ourselves that we never thought we could or would change. It never ceases to amaze me the kind of love and gentleness we could develop over time, much more than the extent that I envisioned we had the capacity for. 

To Kathy and Joy, I dedicate this post to you. I just want to tell you how beautiful you are to me, and how much I look forward to witnessing your journey, and growing with you into the persons that we can and will be. <3

To my other friends and readers who are experiencing a trying period in your life, I wish to send you love and assurance that, at the end of this chapter in your life, you WILL emerge so much more lovely and beautiful like the caterpillar that has metamorphosed into a butterfly. Do not lose hope, you are stronger than you may think, and you can get through this. Life isn't about perfection or the lack of challenge, but about how you decide to respond to the challenges. You can do it! =) Much love to you~ xoxoxo

All the time you've got is...

How often do we make excuses to not do something that we long to because we 'don't have enough time', or are 'waiting to have some spare time'? When will we finally decide that this life is all we have to do what we want, before we realize that we had wasted all that time waiting to 'have time' for it? 

If you have been procrastinating or putting off something that you really wish to do, but 'didn't have the time to' because of work/commitments/obligations to other people/roles, can you find a window of possibility to dedicate some time, no matter how short, to living the life that you truly want? Sometimes all it takes is a conviction and loyalty to yourself, or a willingness to say 'no' to things that don't make your heart sing or are not actually as important as you think they are, so that you can finally live the life that you want. One life is all you have. Make it happen! =)

No matter what happens..

When life gets confusing, and you can't see what the next steps are or where they may lead, I hope you remember that..

No matter what happens, the path will reveal itself when the time and place is right. You can, and you will, find the strength to handle what comes your way. You will stand back up after being defeated, triumph over challenges, and you will grow with every experience. The truth is that, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Because of that, you will be OK. In fact, you will be more than OK. You will become so much more than you ever imagined possible, and so much more beautiful than before. It can all only get better =)

What is forever after?

Recently, I met a man whom I fell in love with quickly, shockingly, and passionately.  He cracked my heart open in more ways than I thought was possible, showing me what love can be like, what it means to love freely without judgement, to love with full acceptance, to love without boundaries. 

I used to think that a relationship worth pursuing is one where there is a definite future, where there will be a 'happily ever after', two people in love with each other forever and ever. I believed in the permanence of things. But after meeting him, it all changed. Due to certain circumstances, it is unlikely that this relationship will last. Does knowing this hurt? You bet it does. As much as I'm learning to let it go, it takes all my strength not to be angry at my life for showing me something so beautiful and real, only to take it away eventually. But does it make this love less real? No, it doesn't. In fact, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I have come to learn that forever after does not rest in the possession of something that you hold dear, but in the love that you will always keep in your heart for that someone or something, no matter what happens. Things, possessions, and all things material, are fleeting. Relationships, too. Romance may change over time, waxing and waning depending on time and place. But love will always remain. Love, however short, will remain in its unique form in our hearts with its memories and well wishes. And to spend time worrying about how long something will last, is to take time away from the beauty of the moment. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, in the next hour, or even the next minute? Things change, and people change. Two people may meet at a crossroads to share a beautiful moment together, and then part to walk down their own paths again, but that experience, however brief, is still as precious as one that may last years or decades. 

And for that moment alone, without asking for anything else, I am forever blessed and thankful. Thank you, E, for everything that you have shown and taught me. Thank you for holding that precious, freeing space for me while I work through my broken-ness with you. But most of all, thank you for being you, and for us being who we are today so that we can walk down this brief road together. I love you =)

Are you being you?

Someone shared this article with me, that I find so very beautiful =)

https://beingrena.wordpress.com/2015/05/23/on-falling-helplessly-in-love/

"I am enough. I finally believe I am enough. I finally believe that I may be a little bent, but I’m not broken. I finally accept that I am a smart, courageous, loving, kind, generous, forgiving woman who is not always all of those things – but who deeply aspires to be all of those things. I’m a beautifully flawed human being. Falling helplessly in love cracked my soul open. I’m finally Being Rena."

Often we escape and hide pieces of ourselves away in relationships, but what if the best way to self-discovery and self-embracement is through a real relationship? So...

Are you being You? Are you willing to Be You? Now, that's the real question, isn't it? ^_^ 

Be you

http://www.ted.com/talks/caroline_casey_looking_past_limits

Hey there,

I haven't been writing for a while. The truth is, I was scared. I was afraid that what I wrote, wouldn't be of value to you, my reader. I was worried that what I wrote was just an expression of the small me trying to teach people what they already knew. I wanted what I wrote for you to empower you, to inspire you, to motivate you. I wanted it to be a one-step solution to your many challenges. I wanted this blog to be perfect. 

Most of all, I wanted to be perfect. This past month has been a tremendous struggle for me. I realized how much I wanted to be perfect. All my life, I was afraid to appear weak, afraid to appear less smart than I was, less together than I should be. On the outside, I tried to be always a thumbs-up, everything's-great, I've-got-it-together girl. When things went wrong, I used to think (more often than not), 'what's wrong with these people?? What's wrong with me??'. I tried to control everything else outside of myself. But the truth is, I was hiding from myself. I was running away from who I am, not being able to face my life or imperfections for what they are out of fear of not being accepted. But you know what? The worst thing is, it didn't matter if my friends, family and colleagues, even strangers, loved me. I couldn't accept myself or love myself for who I was, much less receive their love and acceptance. The irony is that what I have written on this blog for the past year, did come from the bottom of my heart, from my understanding of what it means to live a happy life. Though sometimes it's easy to give advice but hard to heed your own!

But, you know, the Universe never gives you a lesson without teaching you how to overcome it. Sometimes, the lessons are glaringly obvious, staring at you in your face. Other times, they are hidden in tiny experiences, sometimes challenges, sometimes victories, waiting for you to assimilate them when you are finally ready. And I think I am finally ready. I am ready to really learn to be me. I am ready to put what I have learnt into true practice. I am ready to learn and accept who Rosanna really is. I am ready to discover what Rosanna really wants, really likes, how she really wants to live her life for what purpose she wants to bring to this amazing world. And for that, I am truly grateful. I am grateful to my friends (K, J, D, F, S, K, etc.) and various mentors (Katarina Phang, Christine Arylo, Kathleen Mulligan, Creig Crippen, Gina Devee, Brendon Burchard and all the inspiration videos and articles I have come across) for all the guidance that I have received on this journey, as well as everything else there will be to come. 

There will be no more following 'rules', no more imitation, no more trying to be someone else. For the Universe made all of us for a reason -- to be simply us and nothing less than we are. 

So, here's a promise. If you are facing the same challenge as I am and are ready to make a change, let us promise to be true to ourselves, no matter how hard the journey may seem. Life's too short to be someone else when you were made to be unapologetically, fabulously, beautifully YOU. And the best thing is, you won't be doing this alone, because I'll be walking next to you the entire way. <3 Have a good rest of the week, my friend =) 

xoxo
Rosanna

I want to know...

Sharing a poem written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, posted by Rachel Hollis on The Chic Site
(http://thechicsite.com/2014/03/23/what-sustains-you/)

It reminds me of what it means to be human, to live from love and essence, to be real with what and who we really are — children and gifts of God brought to this world to simply be alive.

Stories

What kind of stories do you harbor about your life, your world, and yourself?

Are they real? Are they one-sided? Are they all-encompassing? Are they loving? Would you re-tell those stories in a different way? How would you change them?

This TED talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie may inspire you to rethink the kind of stories you tell about your world.

Have a good weekend, love! =)

http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story/transcript?language=en

Be who you want to be

http://www.ted.com/talks/laura_boushnak_for_these_women_reading_is_a_daring_act/transcript?language=en

If they can, why can't you?

" ... Yasmine wrote, "Question your convictions. Be who you to want to be, not who they want you to be. Don't accept their enslavement, for your mother birthed you free." "

Being authentic

A piece by Brendon Burchard on what being authentic means:
http://brendonburchard.tumblr.com/post/114912499013/can-authenticity-suck

"...there’s two ways to approach the world:

1. A fixed mindset, and
   
2. A growth mindset.
   

And that growth mindset allows you to push through your own self labels to say, “Who would I have to become to deserve that dream? Who would I have to become to move toward that dream?”

• That is real for me.
  
• That is authentic.
  
• That is in-line with my values.
  

But it’s allowing myself to stretch myself to go there.

Because if you won’t stretch yourself, your concept of yourself, your own boundaries of belief and behavior; you’re never going to reach that next level of success. 

...

Sometimes we limit our own definition of ourselves and we call it authentic and real and genuine and what we are is scared. And we need to look at ourselves and say, “Okay, let’s go to the next level.”

• What’s it going to take?
  
• What new thing would I have to develop?
  
• What new part of me would I have to find?     "

I agree with him that many people abuse the phrase 'being authentic'. Is being authentic being true to yourself, but at the same time are you insisting that everyone else agrees with your point of view? Or will you be brave enough to acknowledge that everyone has their own experience, history and perspective, and brave enough to stand up for yourself in a loving way that is not aggressive, but kind, compassionate, gentle, firm yet flexible to accept new points of view? Is being authentic saying 'That's just the way I am', or saying 'This is what I feel and think now, but who knows what I can be?' ?

Can you do something fast mindfully?

Can you do something fast mindfully? The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh answers this question.

From my own experience, as the master describes, one has to learn to be mindful by acting slowly and deliberately first. We are often conditioned to be lost in our head or oblivious to everything else when we act quickly. However, once we gain the habit to be mindful, one can also then remember to be mindful in any task, whether it is executed slowly or quickly. As the saying goes, "More speed, less haste", when we learn to act with intention and attention, the amount of mindfulness in the action will not be influenced by the speed of execution. One can be aware at all times. Can you then imagine the power behind that action?

https://youtu.be/SnnQVpiVm3A

How do you want to show up in the world?

Intention is everything. Believe in yourself, and live the life that you dream of, as the person that you dream of being. =) 

I believe in you. You can do it. =)

The Moral Bucket List, by David Brooks

I love this article so much =) I wonder what insights you may also gain from it?
The Moral Bucket List, by David Brooks, published in the New York Times on 11 April 2015


These paragraphs especially spoke to me:

"Commencement speakers are always telling young people to follow their passions. Be true to yourself. This is a vision of life that begins with self and ends with self. But people on the road to inner light do not find their vocations by asking, what do I want from life? They ask, what is life asking of me? How can I match my intrinsic talent with one of the world’s deep needs?

Their lives often follow a pattern of defeat, recognition, redemption. They have moments of pain and suffering. But they turn those moments into occasions of radical self-understanding — by keeping a journal or making art. As Paul Tillich put it, suffering introduces you to yourself and reminds you that you are not the person you thought you were.

The people on this road see the moments of suffering as pieces of a larger narrative. They are not really living for happiness, as it is conventionally defined. They see life as a moral drama and feel fulfilled only when they are enmeshed in a struggle on behalf of some ideal.

This is a philosophy for stumblers. The stumbler scuffs through life, a little off balance. But the stumbler faces her imperfect nature with unvarnished honesty, with the opposite of squeamishness. Recognizing her limitations, the stumbler at least has a serious foe to overcome and transcend. The stumbler has an outstretched arm, ready to receive and offer assistance. Her friends are there for deep conversation, comfort and advice."

Here is the link in case the one above does not work:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/12/opinion/sunday/david-brooks-the-moral-bucket-list.html?hpw&rref=opinion&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=well-region&region=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0

Awareness, by the Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh

An article about awareness and meditation, written by the Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh. It is a great read, and explains this concept in simple words that are easy to comprehend.

http://www.lionsroar.com/sunlight-awareness/

At the end of the road..

You are light, and you matter so much

I am sharing two links to Christine Arylo's 'Divine Spark for Your Heart' 's of this month, and from my heart to yours.

When you are challenged, please remember that you are made of love and light. The light you are seeking lies within. You have the strength to rise above it all. Behind every challenge is love pushing you to become an even better version of you, behind every fear is love disguised as protection gone awry. Believe. Don't give up on yourself.

http://christinearylo.com/2015/04/light/

When you feel small, like you don't belong, feel inadequate or like an imposter, please remember to acknowledge how far you have come so far! You matter so much to the world. Even if you touched just one heart in this lifetime, you have made a difference. (p.s. you already touched mine. For that, I am sending much more love to you, my friend)

http://christinearylo.com/2015/03/making-a-difference/