Saturday, 17 December 2016

Still learning to let go..

A friend recently broke the news to me that my ex is now engaged. A whole swarm of emotions swept over me. I went back and forth between being (somewhat) happy for him, and this sickening punch to my stomach. I felt utterly confused. I was in a daze for the rest of the day, and probably the next day too. How could it be so soon? What is she like? Is he happy? Are they good together? Have they met each other's parents? I hope his mum likes her way more than she hated me? I hope he is good to her, better than he was to me? Why? Why not me? Why did I have to go through all that crap? Was I that terrible of a girlfriend that I could be simply tossed aside and forgotten forever? Am I that easy to forget? Am I such a horrible person that he doesn't even find me worthy to be a friend?
It was. Terrible. I didn't think I would have to go through all that trauma all over again. I thought it was all over. I thought I was over the breakup. I thought I had healed most of my wounds. I had truly believed that, now that I am in a healthy relationship with this most amazing man, I had walked away from the past. I knew I wouldn't have wanted him back, even if he asked me to. I had even dreamt about it. I dreamt that when that exact scene happened, I chose E instead. Firmly. Assertively. Definitively. Without a blink of an eye. I even distinctly remember waking up feeling really elated about this progression. I'm finally free!
Or was I?? If so, why the heck is this happening?!
I guess...scratch that... I KNOW. There are deeper places that need healing. There is nowhere to hide from them now. No opportunity to keep denying it, no opportunity to keep shoving it down, push it away, and ignore ignore ignore. Everything's fine. Everything's just. fine. 
Truth is, he still has this power over me. I feel horrid that another person can have this immense power over my self-esteem and my psyche, feel so guilty to E for not being completely over my ex. I won't even be surprised if E's family called me a slut for being this way, because it simply isn't fair to E. He deserves all of me, yet I'm still halfway somewhere else being tied to someone who doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I want and I tried to be devoted but this damn shadow in my heart just won't. freaking. let. go. Yup, I'm terribly frustrated. I just want to yank it out of my body and scream at it to just leave me friggin' alone, haven't you done enough damage, haven't you caused enough pain?!

Though...My inner demons are mine to face. I can't fault my ex for putting some of them there, they were most likely mine to start with, and our unhealthy relationship had perpetuated these cracks. Now is the time for me to stand up against them and love those parts of myself back. To take ownership over loving myself for who I am, for knowing that regardless of my faults, I am loved and I am lovable. I can be enough. My boyfriend and all my friends who have been walking alongside me in this crazy journey are evidence enough for that. I may be weird and crazy, but that's fine. I can still be treasured and loved. I don't have to be someone that someone else wants me to be, because that's what they want in a partner. I can just be me. And I have the room to grow into the woman whom I want to be, not because I would otherwise be tossed aside, but because I want to be a better person for those whom I care about and love. I probably won't be perfect, for what IS perfection anyway? I can be the best I can at any point in time, and that's enough. It's good enough. My friends, family and partner drive me nuts sometimes, and vice versa, but that's fine. If we truly loved each other, we'll learn to forgive and come back together. We still love each other. And that's enough. My life is my own to live, I am my own person to be, and that's enough. It really is.
There is no conclusion to this post because it's still an ongoing journey, me against the shadow of my ex. However, I am grateful for E and everyone else who have been so patient, so gracious with me as I struggle through this, even when I act really out of sorts, act really awkward, and sometimes just say the craziest things. I really am grateful. I felt immensely alone yesterday because I couldn't know how to reach out, out of shame for still feeling this way, but I'm glad I eventually did. I'm glad I allowed myself to experience your support and your grace, because I am learning that even if one particular person has stopped loving me, I am still loved by you all and have that love to fall back on. So, thank you thank you thank you. I love you all...xoxo